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Journals of a Murderer
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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in death_by_nick's LiveJournal:

Friday, April 23rd, 2004
2:34 pm
We are on the Road to Baghdad
So! My dirty secret has been exposed! I am a horrible dancer! But at least I have had fun with it, seems Julian and I suffer from WMD (White Man’s Disease) and Rachel suffers from the WFR (White Female Rhythm). But the three of us all have had fun dancing about and making fools of ourselves. I was not going to get drunk but after being forced on the floor to dance I kinda had to, to make myself feel like less of a flailing idiot. The party was fun, I even got a midnight kiss and not from Emily or Meghan but Rachel, which was nice, hoped for and unexpected!

After a day of recovery and preparation of the long trek into the Middle East. Its been fun, I never have been on trains like this, its neat though very very cramped. My mind still drifts on back to Rachel… (damn crush!) and I continue to busy myself with talking to “Human Shield” (idiot) workers. Trying to get the young and unaware to know what it is they are heading into and shall face. I feel bad I have chased a few of my new Moon Loving friend’s minions off but it is needed and I will not apologize for saving the lives of the young and hippie.

Elisa and her Familiar worry me.

Seems we have the notice and ire (or soon will) of the released Tiamat. Which is just bad and that our process may release two “Earthbound” demons through Elisa. This is bad… but then this is a demon telling us it. Perhaps we free them and then banish and destroy them forever. That would be rather nice and put it in better perspective. I have to read her fate later though the girl really needs to think if she wants to hear the news and what lies ahead. It’s a hard thing to know what must be done and not have much context. I have never looked into my Fate for that various reason… I just do not want to know.

Kaede and I have made a deal where she will teach me self-defense and I can teach her to fire a gun, nice little trade off. Especially now with a War Totem (yeah, for Christmas my sister has made me a Shaman of Tiger. Which is damn cool but a lot of responsibility) I need to learn more in the lines of defense and the body. One must be well rounded and fully developed. Mind, Body & Soul.

Well, the connection is getting spotty so I should head out hope all back home is good and I promise to come back with all part attached (and no new ones). Be well and sweat dreams…

Current Mood: thoughtful
2:15 pm
Yule Time Gift’age
Things Nick gave people for Christmas…

Meghan: New wardrobe of her choice, pop music CDs and tickets to incoming cool concerts.

Kaede: Two original Japanese books of poetry done in calligraphy.

Elisa: Two hundred bucks to the Local Fry’s store.

Julian: Rare but nifty occult texts, fine bottle of wine and tickets to the local museums for the next three months.

Philip: Opera and Play tickets for a season, some stocks and bonds as well as a beanie baby “Money Bear.”

Caitlinn: Bunches of CDs & a couple rare bottles of wine.

Leah: Gift certificate to a local Occult Shop, go hog wild!

Rachel: A nice skirt, blouse, shoes and jacket all matching and very stylish (thank you Meghan and Emily for the help!) as well as tickets to the en vogue play at the moment.

Emily: Avril DVD, new CDs, Hot Topic gift certificate and books on Kali/Shiva.

Troy: A large donation to various religious organizations in his name and choice.

Other Chantry Members: Hundred dollar gift certificate from American Express to spend where they chose it.

Jupiter’s Forge: Tickets to various social events and a private tour of Alkatraz, plus money to buy silly souvenirs.

Mom: The software she has been drooling over but did not think would be prudent to buy as well as a nice cranberry color sweater.

Dad: New wood working tools, some wood, new flannel shirt and seasons pass to his favorite football team.

People I love but forgot: Fifty dollar gift certificate from American Express to spend where they chose it.

Current Mood: anxious
1:44 pm
These Seasons They Are Turning...
Been busy trying to study and keep my life together. A lot of it has been spent with doing and working on the Western Star, teaching Emily (and Meghan a touch) or keeping up with the day job. Which is very nice since I keep my own hours and schedule (plus Teddy is a wiz at the helping and finding the cranks). Elisa has gotten us computers and a new system up and running, Caitlinn is the poker companion for the Dragon and I have been busy reading through the Codex Infernum. Which is a very good but creepy book… I have to monitor myself and realized that it could very much scew and lead the stupid to the road of Nephandus or Infernalism.

It has helped me understand the role of Spirit better and I can now cross the Gauntlet with trepidation. Also I have used it as a resource to understand the enemy. Elisa has also read some of it but it seems not as useful to her… perhaps it is she just is not accustom to such reading. In the future I am going to watch her more with how she handles the text and her dreams after it. Tiger, my Atman has helped me study my own inner divinity and expression of the Atman through me… very helpful too.

I can feel the bond within our cabal strengthening and I can sense Meghan more clearly now. I like it though at times it is also very odd… sharing dreams also is a new experience. And it’s a very different sort of bond then what Rachel & Leah have… as they are sisters and we are just people who happen to share past lives. (Apparently I was a very very bad Euthanatos in my last life…hehe!) I have also begun to notice I remember being a Thugge which explains my liking for coins and the scarves I use to deliver the Good Death.

The trip is all set up and working, we just have to step through the Reflection to Berlin and take a train up, should be a fun experience I always wanted to visit the Middle East. And I wonder if I will be making it back from the trip to get the Tenth Seat before my birthday, which is coming soon. Seems it will just be our cabal heading in, Jupiter’s Forge is staying behind to settle into the Western Star. I am just glad they tipped us off while we were in L.A. to this… though it is (yet another) mission from the mysterious Rogue Council.

Well, I have parties to get too and things to do. Busy time of year, just glad not much has popped up. Hope everyone is well.

Current Mood: busy
1:09 pm
Hel-L.A. & Council Meetings
So, I have returned from the great fires, human suffering and demonic children. All in all, I give my trip a seven (with honorable mentions for my friends pulling together to help when we could). The trip was enlightening (read hellish, heart wrenching, difficult and bloody). As bad as it all was the nightmares, the memories and lost time was all worth it. Helped save lives, comforted those able working till my body could not function and my brain was sludgy jelly. I mourn the dead and those that were laid to rest in the barren and crumbling streets and am glad for those I could save and help in the times of dire need. (Gah, stop your own horn you silly git!)

We also met with the New Horizon Council, which was a lot different then I thought it would be. A lot of interlocking network and old connections. People who were more interested in doing the right thing and prompting unity then backstabbing politics even Doctor Aeon had a place there (which was a reminder of the past and where we have come from since the end of the War). Is it bad that I cannot help but like that booming voiced old man? I was genuinely impressed with the Council as a whole, though I worry what things the Rogue Council has in mind… seems they want us fighting the Technocracy instead of trying to unite with them. Must be very old school wizards and spirits. I also liked seeing Dame Summers, she struck me as the best face the Euthanatos could ever have. Though like all of us there is a dark little core prepared to do the will of Fate and the Wheel.

I will say I am very disappointed in the Primus of the Order. I was expecting someone who was more controlled, at least seemed to care about people and while an asshole… was at least an entertaining and redeemable asshole. (What kind of man just dumps his fiancé in a vat and expects others to take care of it and never check it out?) Jason Storm, well he comes for a time of war I would think he’d have grown up and been more aware but well he is not and its no big. The Hermetics seem Happy (read content) to have an old style flame and blame man in charge, they can have that. Give me Senex any day of the week.

We were awarded control and aide to the Western Star as well as scavenger rights on the book, though the lead Hermetic seems to want to view the book after our own completion of the study (note: it worries me how much some are interested and desire this book… must keep a careful eye on them), After that we introduced our dear friend the Elohim to the Council to give us opinions on what is now called the “Lucifer Effect.” It seems people were happy with it and meeting him, apparently a lot of information has come from it (including the fact dear old Lucy wants our friend deader then a door nail).

Then… dear old Philip decided to try to call out and got us searching around for “weak souls” which apparently allows demons to bond to the body of a human and not be pulled back to the empty void of Hell. Which led us to find three children chasing down a man… it was an odd scene that reminded me of Dogma. The three children were no longer that… they were demons. Not Elohim. Not some cool new redeemable amalgam that we have seen before. They were evil and obsessed with going after the man… go say the least the threat was ended and possibilities have been renewed. The bodies were eroded back to and aged so as to not get us in any trouble. The fire burned me… but then my own guilt helped shaped it. What was needed to was done… I had the courage to uphold my convictions but now I must also face that I killed. I killed something with the face of a child. My head knows this was a mask by heart weeps that such a thing was allowed to happen in the first place.

And then we zipped home it was a mostly quiet ride though I swear I heard Elisa squealing from other car. (And I think Julian and she make a very interesting pairing). It was comforting to have Meghan there as a supporter… I just hope she is not too messed up after the being cooped up and then having to see this. (Though what she saw I think is what the Technocracy wanted her to believe was happening in the world.)

As for “Lucifer” and the good guy I have no clue! Part of me could believe it but also I doubt he is what we expect or can ever know. He is the first of God, how can we begin to understand the connection and duties he had and now does? I will have to see what happens more before I decide which side I stand on but for now I sit on the face and judge.

“Betrayal” by Battery

Current Mood: moody
Thursday, April 8th, 2004
2:07 am
NO! L.A. is Hell!
First, thanks Eliza for the cool little tiger poster you got for me, was a very nice gift and there was space on my office wall that needed to be filled. It is neat and fit perfectly.

My body is tired but my brain is buzzing but it will not let me sleep, perhaps I am not so much as a controlled calm fellow as I thought. Though experiencing a huge earthquake, witnessing (apparently) the Light Bringer himself, seeing mass chaos, a slaughterhouse and just working till you pass out because you need to. (Admittedly, I feel bad because my first instinct was to run and get information to the Council… though I am glad the Cabal made me stay and I found I was more useful then I thought I was.)

Why would the Prince of Hell care about ‘Earthbound’ demons and warn people to kill them?

L.A. lies in the ruins of something awakening… I am waiting for the looting to begin, though with the amount of damage I am not sure what one can loot and am hoping people band together instead of being a bunch of assholes. Though in the midst we met Shannon and I got to witness an experienced (true) demon hunter at work, made me feel like an amateur at this gig. I am just glad we were in town when it happened and can help minimize the damage that happened. We have to prepare for the Council but I am not able to sleep or even see straight…

I am just, numb.

Too much death, too much… I understand it all. And, I mourn that I had to end the lives of people who if it was not for Infernal complications may have lived with the help of the paramedics. I went through a whole pack of cloves, mostly to try to calm me down. (I wonder how Meghan is taking it… I worry about her)

At least the Chantry back home knows we are safe now… good call on Elisa’s part and Phil’s smart and quick arts of Science helped save the day against an malevolent explosion (there was a demonic face in the fire, I swear it. I am not crazy or a fanatic!). Kaeda and I made a good team of “spot and dig” to find survivors, I am very much impressed with her and the abilities she posses. Perhaps one of the strongest people I have seen. She reminds me of the ocean, calm and beautiful then crashing and dangerous when agitated too much. She strikes me as someone comfortable in her skin, which is a good thing… I think I need to strive to get to know her more. Julian I am of course impressed by, his knowledge and skill is great and he does not wield it like a club of pretentiousness at us but as a guide and friend.

Shannon strikes me as some very much in control but also like a wounded or sad dove. I mean she has this grand master type power around her but she also just strikes me as a very sad yet humble person. Could just be myself… I am an odd one. I would like to get to know her better, but then that is me with most people.

Gah… I need sleep. Man, I need a new pack of cigarettes… feeling twitchy. I would go for a walk but I think it would depress me. I think I am going to wind down sitting around Meghan and reading the Codex. Apparently a Barrabi’s life work will help calm me down enough to sleep where nothing else can.

Current Mood: exhausted
1:35 am
On A Good Day Hell Looks A Lot Like L.A.
Well, we had a long adventure in the abandoned Chantry of the Western Star and found many prizes and especially the one we were looking for (the book). The place needs occupants and hosts there, though Tory was right to have us head to find its former (and more famous /alive) members to check in on what they would ask of those who make take up residence there. A lot of love and time went into those walls… then something shattered them apart.

It has the works… two Nodes, a dragon, water elemental, two Reflections, two Shallowings and a Horizon Realm (let’s not forget a huge amount of space, cool cars and monkey-cats). Not something that needs to be laid on the open market for the Technocracy or Nephandus to snap up. The dragon gave us the Codex which seems to have a lot of information we can use and will not control or corrupt our minds, though I will admit I am unsure so far of letting it into the hands of others besides myself and Kaeda. Not that I think my cabal or others should be deprived of knowledge but I think there is a time and place for it to be offered. Most are not ready for the stage the book offers or the dark lore bound inside this tome. (Again its that whole responsibility thing). Though I am open for people coming to maturity and reading the book (boy, I sound like a git and snob).

I am more at east with the Ghostly Benefactor… though I do not like him. His goals are good and he deserves the chance he is asking for. Plus we are all getting something out of the deal here. Him passing on the Wheel to a better life and the rest of us get knowledge, insight and experience under our belts. (He’s still a cheese eating surrender monkey… okay so maybe his attitude riles me a bit.)

Now back to the title of the post, we are heading to L.A. to see if we can track down Shannon of the Celestial Chorus. Should be fun, a nice Cabal Road Trip! (WH00T!) Should be a fast trip to see the Horizon Council and make our reports/inquiries. Then back to our usual antics and study, the book should make for interesting reading before bed. I am planning to take Meghan with us, should be good to see how the Council works and L.A. as a whole… I cannot believe she has not seen more then a little of San Francisco and the Technocratic labs.

I also had a break through for finding the dagger, which I will pitch to Elisa when we come back from the trip. I think she has all the right things needed. I will also need to check in with the office and see if we have any more cases or important deliveries. Though Teddy can handle it all, he’s a smart boy.

Anyway, see people in a day or less.

Current Mood: anxious
12:24 am
Cabal Mixer
So, we had our first little ‘getting to know you’ party for our Chantry. It went well overall, I do not think there was anyone there I could not get along with or enjoy spending time with. But then, I like smart people and most enlightened folk end up smart or are smart. Hence the whole enlightened being thing. Though I was very surprised by Leo, he struck me as a very responsible and steady fellow. With a good head on his shoulders and someone I can respect doing the dirty work. (If I ever need a man who has to clean up a mess where I am too involved, I think I can trust him too.)

I liked Wilson too, though I did not get too much of a chance to speak with him. He has a good goal and seems to be cleaning up the streets (though his kids worry me a tad, but they are also fairly well educated and smart so I think it will be okay).

I am finding I am still more at ease around Leah and Rachel. I think it is because in some sort of odd way they each call to separate parts of me. One is the practical Catholic side and the other is the more primal magical side of myself. And, Leah after our first meeting hit it off really well even though I am still stuffy and stiff collared. That and both have a cute smile…

My date with Sela went well… though she still a distant and suspicious… as she has every right to be. We had a nice dinner and dancing in the city, nice ride through the streets then dropped her off at home after two in the morning. Then I came back to hit the books with Leah on the study of Life… which came to me fairly well though I now owe her a favor which is no big.

The weirdest thing was after learning it I got this innate sense of Meghan’s health as well as her mental impressions. Will this bond grow with the Spheres I learn? Its odd but also feels very natural too.

Speak of, my tutoring of Meghan is going well and it is helping Emily that we are reviewing as well. Helping my sister has given me the insight into my own magical working and that of others, that the rigid structure our mentor’s teach us while it helps to control the magic and allow for effective communication between mages that it is not too important for the use of our gifts. I can only imagine the immense work and patience it took for the first Council and Traditions to gather and form under one banner and then have a unified application of magic. I assume with out the influence of the Order of Hermes we would have not come out ahead as we have or as soon. Probably would have been smashed under the sword and flame of the Order of Reason.

Well today we head out the Chantry of the Western Star to investigate the grounds and see if we can get a hold of information on the Codex Infernum, our ghostly benefactor, what happened to their cabals and leads on the knife. We figured it was easier to start with the closest thing and then if needed visit L.A. well, see you all in a few, going to grab a smoke then pedal on out.

Current Mood: peaceful
Monday, March 29th, 2004
11:13 pm
Responsibility & Cabal Bond-Age
Well, life is a tad topsy-turvy… with the brief raid and the fruits of those labors falling into our ready and open arms, we have tied ourselves to the fate of that which we rescued. Ein (as Elisa has called him), Meghan (my new sister in crime) and Nadia have all been saved and are now continuing on their own paths, though in our intersecting them all of us have come away changed. (Boy does this sound didactic and preachy… sheesh.) But we did this surprisingly well and none of us were injured, I was surprised how easily we slipped in and out of the facility. I think we either had inside help or we had someone on the other side watching over our haphazard and inexperienced corporate raiding party.

I was truly worried when we had two guns lowered at us though through some skill, luck and an angry vampire we preserved and left them while wounded alive. I had to really take Elisa from taking a gun and trying to use one (guns are very dangerous and people who are inexperienced with them and they should not pick them up in the heat of possible conflict). I promised I would train her later but now was not the time to wave a rifle with live ammo around nor take one home.

You may ask who Ein is. Well Elisa and Caitlin demanded we rescued a cute and smart puppy home. Both of which I hope will take good care of it and learn a lesson from it. Though, I hope when we raid places in the future we do not collect even more pets. Not like the animal was suffering or in bad condition, for all we know it was a Technocrats pet (or can shapes-shifting into a huge face eating atrocity). But he is a cute little bugger and will bring a bit of fun I am sure into the chantry.

We and Nadia have a deal to work out on finding the worst offenders of the Wheel and monsters of the Kindred community while providing us with other useful tidbits of information that she may happen upon and there is a similar yet nebulous deal with Dennison as well. Both Nadia and Tommy should be very happy and are going to start a new life together, away from this place for a time.

And then we come to Meghan… my soul sister, quite literally. Apparently in the past we may have been this way as well, according to files found at the Technocracy Construct. I can sense her thoughts and she mine… it’s a very peculiar sensation which intrigues and disturbs me. Two Chantry mates also have this effect but they are blood sisters… they are kind of my guides for understanding in this situation. I am teaching Meghan and Emily together a bit, as Meghan as the knowledge of magic but not the Tradition terms down. I like Meghan, I am just not sure how to deal with her and how the connection works.

What I have found out is my Atman is not whole and this is why Tiger is so badly wounded, though the piece retrieved from my Soul Sister healed him and made me stronger I do notice new scars on the place of my Atman and myself. When I have retrieved my shards I can access the power that happens when Meghan and I hold hands (“Wonder Twin Powers UNITE!!!”). I am unsure how long this till take. More to the point, why is my Atman in shards and broken to begin with? Perhaps this is why it manifests to me as often as it does, to guide me to find the rest so it can be at peace and whole 9cause I would be pissy if I was broken apart).

We also now have this former Infernalist Euthantos who wants out help in moving on, which is fine though I am cautious. Because it is yet another chain yanker we have on our list. Though he promises information I am not sure if it is as good as we think it is or that it might be corruptive. But, the Dead should be helped to move on… so we shall see.

And, my (new) Verbena friend and I think the Chantry needs a party to liven up the place. Any takers or ideas there?

I did realize one thing about myself. If you chose a path, you must have the gumption and will to stick with it and handle the choice you made. Whining and venting is fine but if you open the box, take the treasure, head down the lonely road or accept your fate… you stick with it and do your best. No matter what. If you are going to free a prisoner, you best be prepared to help him redeem himself and find a place in Creation for him. If you cannot abide the capture and holding of an animal then open the cage, you best take care of it and find a way to hold and tend it. You unleash the horrible demon… you had better be able to put it down. Period. Yes, I am harsh on this fact. Deal with it.

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
2:32 am
Who are you?
Me? Well, that's simple. I'm Nick, nice to meet you all. I am sure it will be a pleasure to live and work with you all.

I am a member of the Euthanatos and from the Albrieo faction, many of us are called Silver Swans. The diplomats and pleasant faces of a much-misunderstood Tradition. If you have any questions please feel free to knock on my door. Or if you need a drinking or ritual partner I am more then willing to give aide.

Good Gods, I sound like a fricken hippie!

I work and am the found of Swan Investigations, which it seems pretty much all my Cabal is working for. Though a bit of financial wizardry (damn bad pun) we make enough to sustain ourselves and come away with money to burn.

Anyone up for a night of chantry bonding? (Read that as boozing and dancing)

Current Mood: awake
Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
2:20 am
The Hand of Destiny Wield a Large Paddle
War is brewing, that is bad. I foresee this vampire turf war back lashing into the Sleeper realms. Causing the of death innocents. And, we have heard or at least seen something of the “Western Kindred.” And besides one being an utter nut bunny they seem to be a very moral set of (three) people. I am sure there are other monsters among them. Perhaps, as I learn about these three they can lead me to the worst sort of their kind to set then back on the proper place on the Wheel. I know I should slay them all but there is a time and place for it, plus they can be useful tools. (I am sure they think the same of me.)

What troubles me more is what are we to do with little Thomas, as I am ill equipped and not ready to take in another child. I can barely handle Emily as is, add in a young (dhampir) boy. Plus, it sets a bad trend of adoption and keeping all those who are troubled instead of helping them find their place and moving on, as they should.

I do have to say I am impressed with how our group handled things and are working together; we fit together nicely and cover each other’s weaknesses well. Though, I can tell there will be a little conflict (thought wise) between Doctor Philip and myself. Which is fine, we both could use it as a way to open our minds and eyes more gaining further enlightenment. And, perhaps a little power struggle between myself and Caitlin (she seems a bit anal and controlling, which is fine… I just am so not at all and a free floater on the winds guy).

Well, as of late my mind has been churning over the vampire situation and what the Technocracy is doing to them. I honestly can understand it and am very curious as to what they are finding out, perhaps in the process of finding the mother of young Tommy we can pilfer some of the notes on their findings. I am sure my Tradition (and a couple others) would be very interested in it. (I think the Hermetics and Seekers would very much enjoy those files.) I think I have a simple plan to get us into and out of the facility Tommy’s mother is kept in it just requires the silent hand and trickery. There is no way a direct assault can get us in there, though a distraction may help… wonder who we can sucker into that (coughvampirevampirecough).

So I was mulling this over with a cigarette and a glass of wine when my laptop beeped at me. I had not left it on or even connected, I thought… but it was on and the CD ROM was buzzing away at me like it was reading something. (Emily probably played with it, she prefers my laptop for some reason…) And it seems a new file from the mysterious “Sphinx/Enigma” was downloaded for me. Depicting a photo and some other information, basically telling me “this person has two days to live.” I set it aside and was planning on giving it to Elisa to check out and find everything on for me. It was the same woman who was on there before who I felt a sort of familiarity for and with… (Someone trying to tell me something, while it may be useful I dislike being a pawn. I am more of a knight or bishop.)

So, I slept on it. Not much I can do at one bloody a.m. is there? Especially after the long day of vampire chatting and running about we all did. A nice easy sleep, was rather nice and I woke up with the feeling of warmth on my chest and near, like someone laying beside me and notice the small bit of tiger fur and scabs left by my Atman. Apparently I needed company last night (which reminds me, I have a dinner date in a day and half, with Sela. May have to cancel, damn).

On my way to the shower after breakfast I picked up the mail, and as I am was looking over bills, political junk mail and a couple packages another photo fell out. It was of her again… Meghan D., that is her name. The quote was similar to one the Enigma/Sphinx CD had given us before but added, “Your Destiny lies with her.”

Apparently someone wants her, someone wants to kill her and I want to figure out more about her and see if I can jeep her from being “terminated” on the fourteenth. While I appreciate the information Enigma is giving us and guiding us… I want to know who they are, where they are and why they are doing this. I dislike the feeling they fill me with. Why do they care about vampires? How did they locate me? Why chose our cabal? How do they know my Destiny? Who is Meghan? Why do they give a flying fuck over her? (Why is she familiar to me?) And why am I craving a vegetarian pizza?

Well, meeting time in ten I need to pull on a shirt, grab my coat and head in before the chocolate sprinkle donuts are all eaten.

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
3:20 am
Death & Understanding
Night is passing, slowly time ebbs and flows on ward, pulling all things (including me) to decay and then destruction. I do not have many sleepless nights (and around here… its common for my coworkers but rarely ever myself) but this happens to be one of them, I think it is the way for a mind to resolve long-term problems and chew on those dark facets our brain refuses. Taking a nice crisp drag from the cigarette and feeling the smoke roll though me then slowly expel it as it forms swirling in chaos and half formed ephemeral shapes until it collides with the window glass then dispersing utterly. I wish these thoughts would quit gnawing at my soul, tugging me to haunting the office like some woeful specter. It all would have went down perfectly well and fine if… there it is an again, that small stupid word. IF. It holds so much possibility and yet so much regret as well. Staring out the window its ghostly reflection staring back at me, but the face before me is not my own… it’s hers. Emily’s. That sad and angry look of hers that look of complete disdain for me. Perhaps I put those emotions there, her narrowed eyed angry look from her deep green eyes whisper to me in their loathing tones, “you are nothing more then a murderer…”

Read more...Collapse )

That’s not the end it’s more of the middle actually. After the second clove is gone, I stub out the nearly extinguished butt of it. A slight sigh as I turn and go into Emily’s room, watching her a moment and adjust the covers, she cringes a touch. Poor thing… I’ll always keep that promise and the Lord help any who dare harm you. Smiling a touch I close the window she always leaves open. “You, little dove are going to get a chill if you keep that up…” A small chuckle as I latch it closed, cannot be too safe in my line of living.

I whisper before turning on her nightlight and close the door behind me. Just the way she feels safe in there, I guess… “Good night Emily, I am sorry.”

Current Mood: nostalgic
Monday, March 15th, 2004
11:22 pm
More of an Out of Character thing, for those Interested.
Enjoy it, will give some insight to Nick and where he comes from.

Hundred and Something QuestionsCollapse )

Hope you enjoyed! More stuff coming.

Current Mood: accomplished
9:42 pm
Heaven, Hell & the Here After
While taking care of some paperwork at the office today, I had a sort of minor epiphany. Not even sparked by deep thought, I was going over the billing for the Grey Case and preparing the notes for their review. Unfortunately I do not think things panned out for them as the expected, not my fault their idea of a possession was their father’s drastic midlife crisis. Sometimes, these NewAge people way over react and misdiagnose the symptoms of real life.

Anyway… my thoughts were turning towards the Wheel, reincarnation and my beliefs when I was going to a priest. And how they have changed over the years, especially after my Agama. But until that moment I never really realized that I have given up on the idea of Heaven. Yes, I know it sounds bad, but it is not. If our souls are eternal and destined to reincarnate through the Wheel until the end, then where does Heaven fit. That’s just it, it doesn’t. It’s a ploy and a way to keep people in line and do good acts, as the truth is so hard to grasp.

But, I do believe in Hell. Yes, I believe in that. Hell is not a fiery damnation place, not at all. Its where the soul goes to be cleansed after the Good Death. Burning, caressing, washing and adjusting the soul for its next spin on the Wheel. So for some, it may be bad but for others it could be a rather nice experience.

But then, what’s the reward of being good in life? Well, for that I have a couple answers. One is you get a better life in the next turn, which is an easy answer. You continue the cycle. Or, you are granted an Atman. You are allowed and ready to become a master of yourself and help the Wheel turn. That is your reward for a good balanced life.

And, I am realizing that Mass Awakening is a Very Bad Thing. Why? Because Six (and then some) Billion people suddenly become aware and able to manipulate the Tapestry and begin to pull at the threads. Tear, ripping and pulling away the fabric of Creation. Causing more holes and harm then they mean to! Shiddi, magic… is a difficult process and its hard to not give into desire, it takes any good mages a few years to master themselves and grasp exactly what potential and responsibility lays before them. Now, imagine Joe Blow getting access to the grand abilities we Awakened share? Or even worse, imagine a corrupt politician and what they can do with it! And, with people like Shrub in office… yeah just imagine him with Grand Cozmic Powerz! Scary thought, huh? Mass Awakening? Yeah, only if we want the world and all of Creation scattered to the four winds at the whims of selfishness.

But, keep in mind I still love Humanity. I think it is a good thing, just there are bad apples to throw out and cancers to cut out to make the body heal. Just saying, as a whole not all are ready for becoming Awakened and will destroy the face of all ending the Age of Iron and End of the Gods. Maybe one day. Maybe soon. But not at the moment. Too much greed, too much dependence and stagnation. I would like to see the day when all are ready for Awakening but I would also love to Ascend and be one with the Wheel. I do not think it is my lifetime for that, at least at the moment.

Though I could be wrong, Tiger is staring at me in the ‘I know something’ way.

All this from filling out paperwork… Big head trip and revelation. I guess I am a full heretic of my former faith. But then, when you have a form of Kali as your Atman you cannot stay the same really, can you? Over all my belief has become refreshed with the addition of Shiva and Kali as part of it, though most Catholics would freak as would some of the hardcore Choisters. Oh well, its my faith and view. They can bugger off this mortal coil.

Well, its time for a meeting so I must go. Peace and Dreams.

Current Mood: thoughtful
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